6/18/25 - first blog post ever yayaya

i... actually don't know what to write. i should be asleep right now, i have work in the morning, but i've found a newfound motivation to learn how to do this. so far, it's been really fun. everything still looks ugly, but i know i'll get it to look the way i want soon enough. i messed around with the html on my Toyhouse page for a couple of hours and got it to look pretty neat (albiet, that was using a free template i found, this is a lot more personal), so yeah.

there's a lot of things i could go on forever about, so i'm really excited to have this whole place to just... talk. usually what i do when i want to talk to myself is just be a weirdo on my private twitter account.

unfortunately, i have a lot of screenshots like that. it's funny to look back at though, cuz genuinely, what am i ever talking about? i think i'll keep doing it though, cuz of what i always say!

but this place will be good for my longer thoughts. oh my, there's SO much i could go on FOREVER about that i'm not quite ready to tell anyone face to face... not even text.

i think i'm in my own head too much. i think that everyone has it out to get me, so if even the thought of telling someone i know in real life about a fan fiction i read and how much i liked it? i feel my face getting red at the mere idea of it. i'm scared of the judgement i guess. and since this is all a bunch of pixels and blue light, and no one on here has any idea who i am in real life... i just feel a lot more free.

you know? free to just be me, without any judgement or weird looks. plus, i don't think anyone on this planet is going to sit through and read all of this stuff anyways, since no one has time for that; hell, there's a good chance that once i finish writing these blog posts, i won't ever read them again. isn't that nice? to be so free from people's eyes that you can do whatever you want. be unapologetically yourself. just the thought of it gets me excited.

it started off with me writing emails to myself. yeah, emails. i think i started back in 2019. they were DEPRESSING. i don't really blame myself, cuz i really didn't have anyone to talk to about stuff so i just wrote emails to myself. i don't think it helped me, like, at all, which is weird, because isn't that a form of journaling? maybe i'm wrong lololol. i amassed around 100~ emails to myself over like...3 years? i don't like looking at them, so i'm not actually sure. then i switched over to writing in google docs for a while, but those weren't sob stories of my own life, i wrote other people's stories.

a lot of them had to do with princesses or people escaping from a regime. and, figures, it was usually lesbian stories, although, i never wrote anything explicit. just yearning... kind of telling, huh? there was one i wrote about a witch that accidently shot a runaway princess, and she takes her in as the princess healed, but witches were supposed to be in hiding... i was really onto something at the ripe age of like... 13. forbidden love? damn fever, you really knew what you liked and ran with it! cuz that's pretty much the same stuff i eat up to this day.

i still write in docs, but it's oc specs and lore now. like i said earlier, i either talk to myself on twitter about whatever the latest thing that sucks in my life is, or i'll just talk about it when no one's home. cuz there's a lot of time when no one is home. it used to be kind of lonely, but again, i'm free to do, or talk about, i guess, whatever i want when it's just me here. so there's upsides to everything i suppose, haha.