09/07/25 - isolation

i gave up trying to make the last blog post... be something. i think if i don't have an actual topic to talk about, i just won't remember to come back and finish my rant. i mean, there's no reason to? it's not like i'm writing these things for anyone but myself. I know neocities isn't the most popular thing on planet earth, so the chances of some rando stumbling onto this isn't anywhere near zero, but if i'm talking about a topic that i'm genuinely interested in talking about, i find it easier to do in text words than out loud. something about being able to SEE my thoughts as they appear on the pixels in front of me just makes my thoughts that much more cohesive.

I started reading this fanfic, it's called "The Incandescence of a Dying Light". the fic is based off of this game called firewatch, so i decided that i'd play through (and by "i'd play through" i mean watch markiplier play through. in hindsight, i could've bought the game on steam and played through it myself, it's like a 4-5 hours game with only one ending, and it was only 10 dollars too. but alas, it's spoiled for me now, so there's no point wasting 10 dollars on it. maybe when i'm rich in the future i'll go back and consider it again.) the game before actually reading it, just to be able to experience the story better. and man, am i glad i did. i think the great thing about having no fucking life is having plenty of time to watch, read, and experience games, shows and stories like this; firewatch reminded me so much of last year, when mouthwashing was ramping up in popularity.

moreso, i think i'm just remembering that feeling. this time last year, i was tweaking out about college applications and hating myself for WANTING to study for the ACT but watching minecraft instead. now, i'm pretty much doing the same thing, obsessed with a game that explores the concept of isolation, while completely alone and isolated from what feels like everything myself. back then, mouthwashing's song was headlock, so i think, for my own sake of working the cycle, i should find a '00s song for firewatch. firewatch came out in the '10s, albeit late, unlike mouthwashing, so it only seems fit to go back a decade for it too. mouthwashing was '20s, so it had a '10s song. firewatch was '10s, so i'll find an '00s song for it. perfect.

firewatch is a game about this guy named henry, who takes up a job as a firewatch lookout at the Shoshone National Forest for the summer to try and escape his feelings about his wife's dementia. while there, he quickly becomes friends with a lookout just north of his station, in two forks, named delilah, who mans thorofare. she is his supervisor for the summer, and henry not knowing how to contact any of the other lookouts, takes a liking to delilah, her being the only human "contact", verbally, at least, for several miles. during his stay there though, henry finds weird things happening, and starts to believe that there is some conspiracy going on revolving him and delilah, finding out that two girls henry was trying to find went "missing" for a while, with henry being the last person to see them, the girl's campsite being torn apart and 'blamed' on henry, finding a stray radio and chat logs of his and delilah's conversations, and more lead both henry and delilah to believe that there is more going on the shoshone national forest than what they were told to believe. as henry continues to search for what is going on, delilah tells him about an old lookout that used to man the two forks station. named ned and brian, they were a father son duo that had come up to the national forest 3 years prior, and delilah had taken a liking to brian, a a sweet twelve year old boy with a wild imagination. delilah says she hasn't seen them since, but hopes that brian is doing well, harboring a sort of resentment towards ned.

spoiler warning for the later half of the game here, WEE OO WEE OO!!!

henry finds out what's been going on. along with a strange string of coincidences and paranoia from being alone out in the woods, henry finds out what's been going on. neither ned nor brian ever left the shoshone national forest; brian died from a climbing incident those 3 years ago, and ned stayed to hide brian's body, keep them a well kept secret, as well as isolating himself from the world because of what happened to his son. when henry began poking around looking for things to keep his mind active, ned was simply trying to scare both henry and delilah away from learning the truth, but gave up when fires from the 'june fire', aptly named after delilah's middle name and not the month they were in, july, and the fire at a... biologist camp? i can't remember what they call it lmao.. combined together, the lookouts were set to leave the area by ~mid august, pursuading ned to let henry find out about what happened. ned says he's staying, along with his son, and henry relays all this new information to delilah, who takes it heavy, saying that it was her fault brian died, and is rotting in the bottom of a cave doing something he hated: climbing. she says that she could've reported ned and brian, since brian wasn't supposed to be there, but decided against it because of how much she took to liking brian. she says that if she had reported them, brian would still be alive.

when the time comes to leave the forest, now shroud in smoke and fire, henry asks delilah to wait for him at the rendevous point, thorofare lookout tower. when given two dialougue options, a "wait for me" and a "go". when responding with either option, delilah says that she'll wait for henry, albeit said very hesitantly and unpromisingly. when henry eventually makes it to thorofare lookout, he finds delilah's station to be empty, with only her stray belongishs strewn about and her radio station left. henry uses the radio station, and delilah picks up on the other end, asking henry if he's mad that she left. when picking any of the options, delilah says that she didn't want to see him, not after everything. she felt guilty and about ned and brian, stating over radio prior to her leaving that she didn't want to meet henry and stew in the aftermath of what they found, of brian. she felt silly about thinking it was all some huge conspiracy, that it was something much bigger than the two of them, when in reality, all it was... was a father still grieving the loss of his son and two people paranoid through their shared isolation. to meet henry after it all would mean solidifying it, that everything that happened really was two people blowing things out of proportion, and delilah tells henry just that. she tells henry to go back to julia, his wife, after henry asks delilah to come with him back to boulder. despite running away and escaping her feelings herself, she tells henry to go back to her. she says earlier in the game that escape isn't a bad thing, when the two of them were just getting to know each other. she contradicts herself, and is at odds with herself by the end of the game, whereas henry leaves in a 'worse' state than when he got to the shoshone, feeling more alone than ever. the game ends with henry getting on the helicopter by himself, with the end credits rolling through camera shots that henry, or the player, took throughout their gameplay.

i might read through this and revise it a little, since i pretty much just spitballed the whole thing, but i really liked this game. i love story games, a great example like i was talking about before being mouthwashing. they both explore the themes of isolationism, and what that does to the human mind. jimmy is constantly trying to make up for his wrongdoings, doing everything he can to fix everything, but making it worse in the end. the connections he had with the people aboard pony express was broken, and no matter what jimmy did, he couldn't run from the things he did, no matter how hard he tried to fix it all. henry runs away from his life, unable to stand his wife not being able to recognize him, to remember him, thinking that a few months alone as a firewatch lookout would give him the fix he needs from everything. when he meets delilah, he quickly latches on her, just as she does him. they revolve around one another, constantly talking together about nothing and everything, about feelings to pushing each other's paranoia driven theories about just what was going on. mouthwashing and firewatch are like two faces of a coin, exploring how isolation makes people believe they are able to do more than what they are capable of, more paranoid and afraid, and that much more likely to cling onto whatever semblance of humanity they are able to find around them. jimmy constantly tells his crew that they can fix things, that even though the ship is crashed, that doesn't mean that they're going to die. he says he'll be a better captain than curly, that he can get them out of this. the reliance that he believes the rest of pony express has for him makes him proud and eager, but his mistakes, with the ship, with anya, with curly, all of it is too much for that pride to properly hide. it all begins to crack at the seams, he puts daisuke in danger, swansea knows something, anya knows something, and curly, the only person that knows the full extent of jimmy's mistakes, is the only person unable to anything about any of it. henry and delilah cling to one another, and in their pursuit to figure out what is happening, believing the whole thing to be something that revolves around the two of them, with transcripts of their discussions being recorded, their lives documented onto singluar sheets of paper, want to find out what is going on.

when they do, and find out that it had nothing to do with them, that delilah could've done something about it, that if henry wasn't so keen on knowing, both of them would've left the shoshone under better circumstances; they both are unable to do anything. jimmy keeps trying, and reaches a point where he's dug himself so deep into a hole that he is unable to do anything.

i think i've taken such a strong liking to these games because of how i feel pretty much all the time. maybe i'm so used to my company, i'm so far gone that i can't find anyone else out there that... fits me. like- it's as if i'm a puzzle piece with edges too soft or too sharp to fit with anyone else's pieces. like i'm a factory malfucntion, and all i've got is just that: edges too soft or sharp. the way that the characters in these games aren't good people, and it's extrapolated when they are put into an isolating situation that they put themselves in, only to end or leave in worse terms than when it began... maybe it just hits close to home. i feel good when i'm reading or watching a show or something, or in these cases, playing a game, and there are characters that are awful people, or in firewatch's case, lonely, and they don't get better. they're always bitter, and they are always gonna get in over their head to escape or hide from something, that i love it. of course, jimmy sucks. but that's what makes him such a good character to me: the fact that he sucks. there is no redemption for him, just like how henry has to face reality and go back to his wife, and delilah is left knowing that she indirectly got a little boy killed. these people are coming from mistakes, from backgrounds that they want to get away from, and would do anything to fix or flee from completely. but they don't. they can't. and i love it.